Pinnacle of My Shame

...................And Just like that


I swear this is not what you think. It is more complicated than that.
I am ashamed to admit that I neglected this space for the best half of the year. *CHUCKLES*
It was not for the most part... it was virtually for the year.

I start each new week with a resolve to post something new (yes, I am a dreamer), then I put down the title but 3 weeks later, I forget what it was all about.

I had plans to spend quality time here, (I did not).

It was devastating after such a deep reflection .
Given it is December ( January 2018 really) the temptation to set New Year resolutions or whatever, is so great I can barely handle it.

So what is the plan?
Keep moving.
I lost, I won.... I will keep moving, boldly stepping out in faith (more about it in a year. Just Kidding).

See you soon.
Compliments of the season.

Grace Abounds

Dear Reader,

Welcome to the rants of the queen of rogue. I am aware it is not a title to be proud of, but it happens  to be what i sport for now concerning my blog updates. 
I am trying to put a voice behind the words and see how it goes so fingers crossed.

I am on a train as I write this. It is not a runaway train though. : )
I am still a student, and I love thinking about the new academic year in anticipation. 
I enjoy reviewing my performance and highlighting my strengths and weaknesses...it goes well for the most part, but sometimes it doesn't. 
Talk about grapefruit.....   ( mental note to write about it later).

So this is for the student out there who dreads uni.
This is for the indifferent bloke and sheila.
This is for the enthusiast who lives for uni.
This is for student who burns out as if on gasoline.
This is for you, who might not need it for themselves but for another.
This is for me, because sometimes i forget.

I am a faith person and it is the centrality of my purpose,  my role in society and it drives my motivation.  I am not saying that without faith you cannot do anything. I am saying that with faith, it becomes easier when you hit those bumps. It becomes easier to get up and try again. It helps you put everything into its right  perspective and remember that there is more to today than today and that the future is infinite  though finite. 

I am rambling. But that is  besides the point.

Welcome to today's post:

GRACE ABOUNDS

Education is a right  as much as it is a privilege and taking it for granted is not called for. There is no greater vice  worse than abuse of opportunity  ( IMHO). In this case, abuse refers  to misuse, under-use and over-use. It refers  to playing the education card as a ticket out of responsibility, duty or obligation. 
Formal education comes to an end, but learning never ends.
I have been a student for the most part of my life and despite that I managed to glean some wisdom over the years, I still make 'rookie' mistakes though it is really a matter of not engaging my frontal cortex.  So here goes:

1. You are solely responsible for your learning, especially in uni. Your teachers are not affected by what you learned or didn't.  They will still have a job to come to. They will  still have their knowledge with them .... except maybe for a dent in their reputation,  but that can be corrected. Your learning  depends on you, and no one else. 
They may teach you the material or show you how to learn it but YOU HAVE TO LEARN IT YOURSELF.

2. Your  attitude towards the subjects,  school and teachers goes a long way as far as your  learning the materials successfully  is concerned. Adopt a winning  attitude, and it will all work out out in the end.

3. 'Procrastination is the thief of time,' adage goes, and it has never been less true since its conception. You only have 24 hours. You only have 7 days a week and 52 weeks a year (and  a brownie when it's leap year). I don't care if you are brainstorming, it is necessary but it won't get the work done unless you do it. Planning is good but act it out. Dreaming is good but take steps that take you closer to realising it. Don't pull allnighers because you spent hours on netflix or watching  cat videos on YouTube like some people I know.
Depending on how much time you have and how much you have to do, make sure to do the difficult task first and you'll breeze through the rest. Do not believe your emotions. They lie. You will never get to the point where you feel like doing things ( though you have to), but you will have to work your feeling into doing. Just start.

4. You are not immortal. You are what you eat. Get your blood pumping.  Get your heart racing. Take care of your body, your soul and spirit.  Take a walk, skip  rope,  dance, whatever will get your heart racing. Read books.  Listen  to podcasts. Pray and meditate. Fellowship with other believers. Go out with your friends. Do something you enjoy that will help you get a fresh perspective while both entertaining and useful. Eat as if you only have one body and it cannot be repaired once broken. You will thank yourself later.

5. Grace abounds. You can do anything. You can be anything. It all depends on whether you want to or not. Focus on the supply from God instead of the demands. Demands will always cloud your vision but the source will clear the fog. Whatever you have to do,  want to do, grace abounds. Wisdom abounds. Hope abounds. Just tune in and do.

Till later.

Random musing - Why?

To understand your drive, answer your why. The motive behind your modus operandi.  Why do I write? Why do I study what I study? Why do I procrastinate? Why do I run out of ideas? Why do I pray?  Why do I believe in God?  Why do I get uncomfortable in public? Why do I believe in potential? Why am I asking Why? Is it something  that is rooted deeper  or my why is superficial?  Why do I want to grow as a person?  Why do I make stupid decisions sometimes even when I know better?  Why do I want to be different?  Why? Why? I know I will never have all the answers. I know that I will discover things about me that I did not know. I know that understanding the drive behind my relations with others will help me to become a better friend,  a better daughter,  a better neighbor and  a better human. So, come on then,  keep asking the why.

Trip to Oblivion

In my obscurity, I seek for security.

It ain’t what it used to be and I cannot go back to the us we used to be. 

I don’t know if you remember, but I remember. I remember the sleepless nights, the words said and not said. I remember the walks taken and not taken.

 I remember the journey to oblivion, but not the way back, because, I am still there. I remember the laughter. The tears. The fear. The wait with trepidation as I trod carefully as if of thin ice, just so I do not offend you. I remember the secret screams that I never voiced, screaming for freedom. 

I remember the eyes staring daggers, and gosh, need I tell you that if looks could kill, I’d be six feet under, but then they do not kill. They just disturb your psyche especially if you pay too much attention to them.

No going back. I can almost hear your heart breaking. Mine is shattered in pieces. They say, you were a part of my world, the heck you still are…. just from a different angle. Just from a different dimension. I lost you the day I died. The day I got lost in oblivion, I ceased to be the one you could call. I ceased to be the one you could talk to. I love you too much to lie to you. I told you my truth. I wore my heart on my sleeve like a little fool. Who would have thought it would come to this? It is crazy, I know.  Crazy used to be my middle name before I died. 

I am not here anymore. I am here but not in the capacity you used to now. I am but a figment of imagination. A fragment of memory and a voice faraway in your dreams that used to be. In your reconnaissance, you missed the vitality of soul. You missed your cue to stop. You prodded every nook and nuked my niche. It could say it is alright, but it is not alright. It was ok, but not anymore. I want freedom from fear. I want freedom from obscurity. I do not want security. I just want to grow. Moving on is what I have to do because you are my rope, tightened me tighter and tighter, I can no longer move. I gave you that right, and I have now revoked them all. 

You lost the privileges.