I am Afraid Too

I am afraid I may not be able to say all the things I want to say, but I hope I will get to say all the things I need to say.

I am afraid I may not be able to walk all the miles I want, but I hope I will be able to walk all the miles I need to walk.

I am afraid I may not be able to see all the forests I want, but I hope I will see all that I need to see.

I am afraid I may not be everything you want me to be, but I hope I will be everything I need to be.

I am afraid I may sometimes miss opportunities, but I hope I won’t miss out on all the grand milestones of the people I love and care about the most.

I am afraid that I may not understand you every single time, but I hope I will be able to not judge you.

I am afraid you will not understand me most of the time, the heck I don’t understand myself either, but I hope you will get to understand everything that you need to understand.

I hope that in the quest of discovery I will find the grace not to be so afraid.

I am afraid that sometimes my faith is weak too.

I am afraid that sometimes I am prayer-less too.

I am afraid that sometimes I am a casualty too.

I am afraid that sometimes I see red too.

I am afraid that sometimes I am not exactly what I want to be or wish to be, but there is something I have learnt to come to terms with.

I have come to terms with the fact that because I am afraid, because I fail, because I struggle and because I don’t always have it together, it doesn’t mean that I cannot try again.

When I feel faithless, why can’t I just continue to hold on to faith anyway? I mean, what is the alternative? The alternative is that I succumb to faithlessness and get lost in hopelessness and despair as if my God was dead.

When I am prayer-less, why can’t I just go back to the place that I left? Why can’t I just do retrospection and see where I went wrong? Why can’t I just stop to check if I am having a field day right in that quagmire? The alternative is a dead end.

And this is me, wearing my heart on my sleeve. Nothing abstract. Just another trip into my thoughts. 

                                Yours Truly, Emmy

Life, if We May - II

Hello there!

Once again, I am lost in my thoughts. I was thinking about how I treated people in the past, and how in the present, I tend to treat them. I thought about how I see people get treated and how I was treated. Some encounters were stranger to stranger, some were lover to lover ( not what you are thinking: this can be friends, family members or even significant others.), and the dynamics were usually similar.  The context was different each time ( obviously), but the psychology behind it was unmistakable. 

I am of the opinion that the majority of us, even with our best intentions at heart, may sometimes be guilty of selfish gain at the expense of another person. 

I don't know if this sounds right though. 

What I am trying to say is, more often than not, we encourage people to fly or not fly, to go or not to go, to be or not to be, based on what is in it for us. 

Let me go on to explain this a bit further. If the person of interest (POI) flies or becomes that which they are working on becoming or unbecoming that which they are working on unbecoming,  what do I get out of it? Do I loose a punching bag? Do I loose a maid? Do I loose a chauffeur? Do I loose a space filler? Do I loose a free ticket? Do you get the picture? 

If the person of interest soars, what becomes of me? It would mean that I would have to grow up - if I haven't already.  It would mean that I have to actually learn to think for myself, do things for myself and even, take responsibility for my actions. 

On the flipside, if we helped people - the majority of cases - out of pure selflessness,  maybe it would be great. 'But Ems', you may object,  'it is only natural that we act out of the inherent desire for self preservation.'

You are right. But in the process, what if we acted in an attitude of raising independently interdependent humans instead of codependent people? What if? 

Think about it.

I don't know if this got across in an understable way. If it didn't,  leave me a comment and we will take it from there. 

XOXO

Ems

Life, If We May!

I am in the morgue. It has this very specific smell, which cannot be mistaken for anything else other than death. I am standing in front of a table, slab really, with a corpse on top of it. Still. Lifeless. Pale. Cold. Silent. voiceless. Without choices.

I am clad in a mortician's suit and complementary boots. I didn't know how to feel, albeit unbeknownst to me, it was exhilarating - the mere fact that I am in  the morgue was exhilarating.

That was a few years ago.

Today, I am lost in my thoughts. I am thinking about the power we relinquish so that another person could run our lives. The permission we don't grant ourselves to fully live but instead crawl along, barely alive in existence. As we exist, someone is living a full life on account of you.

On the flip-side, are you controlling another person's life? Are you the one calling the shots?

Are you the one stifling your significant other, snuffing out their light, each time they try to shine?

Is it you? Are you the one?

Are you the one who cuts off the wings of the fledgling as it learns to fly?

Are you the one who sees what the other person is doing 'wrong' ..... I mean their choice of car, their choice of food, their clothing style, their daily humdrum which does not concern you?

Are you the one who thinks he/she has all the answers and the questions,  such that you  would rather tell the humans around you the questions you are ready to entertain?

Three days later, the thoughts have dissipated.  My river of words has run dry for now.

Let me end the thinking capacity on this matter right here. 

XOXO

P.S. it may be continued.

What if We Had More Love?

What if we loved more in our actions as we do with our mouths?

What if we endured more for the sake of love? What if we loved ourselves so much that we would understand what it meant to truly love another? 

What if we understood each other without words? What if we cared enough for the human next door? What if we cared enough about the human who would  be here when that your generation is gone? 

What if we stopped a minute to actually think about the repercussions of our actions, our words, our proclivities.... the inadequacies we are so comfortable with? 

What if we cultivated the atmosphere of perpetual cognitive dissonance, if that would be the only fuel to our lifelong desire for change, for growth, for betterment?

What if we chose every minute to think, to empower, to nurture and to inspire?

What if we loved our neighbours as we loved ourselves?

What if we had more love? 

Would we still hate the way we do? 

Destroy the way we do? 

Maim the way we do?

 Kill the way we do? 

Would we still live in a world where the greatest enemy to fear  is man?

 Would we still glory in the misfortune of others? 

Would we still pull back the one trying to make it out of their comfort zone? Would we still have the temerity to play judge and jury all in one breath?

What if we had more love?

How to De-escalate a Situation

Fun fact: I enjoy making up words. How? Just combine words, and you might just hit the jackpot.
With that out of the way, I must admit that I am a cryophobe (I don't like low temps). If the ambient temperature is low enough to cause me goosebumps, albeit everyone else is sweating, we might have a little problem. This is especially true for the person responsible for opening a window, especially without a warning.

One day, on a chilly spring morning, someone opened the class window.
My friend, next to me, got excited. She was relieved that someone finally thought of ventilation. I mean, hypoxia is real. I think she is a cryophile (she likes low temps). She was at peace.... I wasn't. No warning? Everyone knows to tell me they are opening the window. Mental prep is cool.

I muttered: really?

She said : oh yes, really. Just go back and wait in the corridor.

I didn't want to do that. I just came from there.

I gave her a look.
She gave me a look back. Smiled and said: I love you too.

I melted. Okay, not me but my heart. I just melted. We bursted out laughing.

It was a great experience. It was a moment of aha.

I then thought, what if we always did the same thing for the conflicts we encountered daily?
This was not a conflict but what if we applied the same principle of keeping your cool in any conflict.

What if, just because you are conflicting, you didn't have to respond with the idea of conflict at the centre if your conflict?

What if you maintained your cool?
What if you walked away, without reacting  but actually with the intention to think about how to respond?

What if the the yelling, and the calling names didn't have to happen?
What if we could de-escalate it all instead of fuelling it?

My advice (unsolicited) : when someone says something to you that you don't appreciate, and you have a chance to talk to them about it, ask them this: what made you say that? What makes you say that?
Or you could say: I am going to let you think about what you just said.
When you calm down, talk it over.

And the greatest thing that could ever happen in the world of interactions on so many levels with so many people from different backgrounds and cultures, it would help a long way, if we had an idea of where they are coming from (as in the basis of their point of view).

Till next time.

So long ❤️❤️

Midnight Chronicles II

Ode to Mind

Maybe the loudest voices I hear are in my mind and not the buzz from the hustle and bustle from all around?

Maybe the fears I cannot face are really imagined outcomes of the roads I have not undertaken yet?

Maybe the hate I feel is really a gap closing in on my differences amongst other things and it is so scary to accept it, so I hate it instead because it is easier?

Maybe the anxiety I feel is really my brain in overdrive, overexcited about the prospect of getting to roam free without strings? 

Maybe the emptiness I feel is really the echo of my soul, a subtle reminder that maybe, just maybe, I was made for something more?

Maybe the hurt I feel is really a wake-up call to my cold heart to get a degree warmer and imagine a mile in someone else's shoes?

Maybe the little tug at my conscience when I am about to have humans for victims and as I dance to my victories is really a subtle reminder that there is a higher law that transcends even what I call my high morals?

Maybe my confusion at the moral decay and depravity of our human nature is really a call to realise that just because, personally I cannot tell my right from my left does not mean that there is no demarcation line between the two?

Maybe, just maybe I should ask questions and really stay long enough to hear the responses?

Maybe? No? Yes? 

Maybe?

Just Maybe???


 

Midnight chronicles I

Ode to Love

Dear love,

You turned my world upside down. Everything I thought I knew about you is flawed. You are a feeling as much as you are a choice. You are an act as much as you are a virtue. You are intangible, yet very tangible. Personal and yet impersonal. I did know that with great love comes great responsibility. Going beyond like to a melting pot of warm and fuzzy (even I don't understand what that means) to a whole array of what ifs, coming to life as though them dreams were touched by an angel. When all you ever are sure of is, but why? Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes you want to have more; everything that you can get, but then love says to you, with love, comes great responsibility.

Oh, the rules I would want to break and then ride off into the sunset with love. Oh, the words that escape me when I get lost in your eyes. Oh, all the beats that my heart skips, and leave me wondering if the rhythm is arrythmic yet.

Love, I hope you understand love.
Love, I hope you see love, touch love and live love.

Till we meet again love....

Lovingly yours,

Emmy