I am Afraid Too

I am afraid I may not be able to say all the things I want to say, but I hope I will get to say all the things I need to say.

I am afraid I may not be able to walk all the miles I want, but I hope I will be able to walk all the miles I need to walk.

I am afraid I may not be able to see all the forests I want, but I hope I will see all that I need to see.

I am afraid I may not be everything you want me to be, but I hope I will be everything I need to be.

I am afraid I may sometimes miss opportunities, but I hope I won’t miss out on all the grand milestones of the people I love and care about the most.

I am afraid that I may not understand you every single time, but I hope I will be able to not judge you.

I am afraid you will not understand me most of the time, the heck I don’t understand myself either, but I hope you will get to understand everything that you need to understand.

I hope that in the quest of discovery I will find the grace not to be so afraid.

I am afraid that sometimes my faith is weak too.

I am afraid that sometimes I am prayer-less too.

I am afraid that sometimes I am a casualty too.

I am afraid that sometimes I see red too.

I am afraid that sometimes I am not exactly what I want to be or wish to be, but there is something I have learnt to come to terms with.

I have come to terms with the fact that because I am afraid, because I fail, because I struggle and because I don’t always have it together, it doesn’t mean that I cannot try again.

When I feel faithless, why can’t I just continue to hold on to faith anyway? I mean, what is the alternative? The alternative is that I succumb to faithlessness and get lost in hopelessness and despair as if my God was dead.

When I am prayer-less, why can’t I just go back to the place that I left? Why can’t I just do retrospection and see where I went wrong? Why can’t I just stop to check if I am having a field day right in that quagmire? The alternative is a dead end.

And this is me, wearing my heart on my sleeve. Nothing abstract. Just another trip into my thoughts. 

                                Yours Truly, Emmy