How To handle baby adults 1

So we live in a world where some adult individuals refuse to act their age, and you are pressured to either stoop low to accommodate them or to stick to your guns. Well the fact of the matter is that whether you stoop low or not or stick to your guns or not, does not influence them in any way ; They are either enabled  or just not cheered on. 

You have to stick to your guns. You have to stand by your principles with a short window of tolerance for baby individuals. Increase in size in inevitable but behaving like an adult is a personal choice.  

 

You need to take responsibility for your life. You need to grow up and if you refuse to, don't drag the rest with you . 

We will expound more on this later. 

God bless you. 

If Only It were That Simple

Sometimes when i don't try is not because i am afraid of losing.

 It is not because i am afraid of not making it, but i am scared of what could happen if i made it. 

What would happen if i just grew up? It means i would have to put my ducks in a row and clean up my act.

 It means i would have to become responsible and take it like a man. sighs. It would mean i have to take responsible for my actions.
 It means i would have to think on my two feet, to get up when life knocks me down. 
It means accepting that i cannot grow in my comfort zone and i would have to step out in order to expand. I recently heard that captive sharks can only grow up to the size of their tank. 
It is quite obvious that the audience is interested in results and not In how you intend to get the results. The audience is interested in the play and not the rehearsal or script organization. 

Why am i not acting my age? Because they would think, i think i am too grown up. 
Why am i not keeping my word? Because they would call me "holier than thou" even though deep down i believe i am more screwed up than everyone i know, which gets worse when i try to explain my actions because they would think i am judging them. 
Why am i wearing clothes i hate, listening to music i would rather not, watching everything on vampires and walking with a limp just to be on the crew? Because they would think i am lame and i have no game.
Why do i disregard the rules in a crowd and keep to them when alone? Yup, you guessed it right. They said the rules are made to be broken. 

To not be is hard. I have to wake up and just be. I have to grow up and take responsibility for my actions. 
I have to stop lip service and do what makes me happy. I want to be happy; who knows, maybe, constant happiness would transform into joy and then, i would live happily ever after (but life is not a fairy tale).
I don't always win, but that does not mean that i ought not to try.  
I will surely land among the stars aiming for the moon.
 I may not always get it right, but if i keep at it, i will become your go-to person. 
I may not be highly opinionated but i know that i can sleep at night without having to worry about what they might think.
 I may have reason to flare up, puff up, avenge, hate and judge, but guess what, I don't have the right.  I am not perfect, neither do i claim to be. I am just a little girl, a little boy, who is scared of the dark, but still steps out to cross over, because home is across that dark forest. 
I know that i do not owe you an explanation.
 I know that it is about how i have impacted someone with my life and not how many years i have had fulfilling all their whims and oscillating between their every beck and call.
I know it is about having self-respect, even if it were the last thing i would ever have or do,  and just do something right just because it is right in its own right.

It is not simple. It is a process. It is a journey, so i am just going to buckle up, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
The difference between diamond and graphite, is the heat they have been exposed to. I am just a diamond in the rough, taking deliberate steps towards the finishing furnace for purification.

Congratulations to me, I just realized that it doesn't all have to be so complicated.

Redefining Yourself

So, I am not perfect.
I do not claim to be perfect and sometimes i think i am the meanest person i know.
 However, as a human being, I learned that just because you feel it, you don't have to express it. Just because you feel like it, you don't have to. Just because the majority are doesn't mean you have to be too. Sometimes my mind is cloudy, emotions wild and mood swinging to and fro. I would take offense at a fly buzzing. NK. (not kidding).
So, certain circumstances have inspired me to write about redefining yourself. It begins and ends with attitude. Many a times, the reactions we get are a reflection of one's attitude.
How do you approach people? How do you respond to them? Do you make them responsible for things they have no hand in? Do you take out your frustrations on innocent people? Many fallouts and various relational problems result from misplaced anger. The bible says, in your anger to do not sin  and also that for as long as it depends on you, you should try to live in peace with everyone. If you are a Christian, a born-again, tongue speaking, spirit filled individual, then you are obliged to live by example all the more. Many times i am tempted to react instead of respond, and i got to admit that sometimes i actually react instead of responding. Nothing good comes out of reacting. It is like pouring oil upon a fire.
 Someone once said,wisdom is not knowing when to speak, but when to not speak. I add, it is knowing when to respond. It is knowing when not to react, especially when you are overly provoked and agitated, such that you will regret what would come out of your mouth should you open it.

So, in redefining yourself, you want to begin with attitude. It hurts. It's not fair, but that is how you grow.

I am on the journey of redefining myself too... Be the change you want to see and remember, a better state begins with you because it takes two to tango.

Till next time ....

Whatever you do, pay attention. .....if inattentive

You are lost in the maze of activity.

You are so busy that you can't even find time to think about anything through.

You are  are covering mileage but truth be told you are not going anywhere.

You are suffering from the treadmill syndrome. So much activity. So much hustling and bustling but, there is no finished product to show for all the hard work and resources that you have expended.

It is alright to be moving.

What is the worst that could happen ?

If you do not stop to read the signs,  you hitch the wrong train.

To stay .....

The easiest thing is to let go. To let it all slide. 

It happens without resistance. When you are at a loss for words and actions amiss,     You loosen your grip and allow your fingers to slip off. It doesn't happen in one day. The day you decided a little bit of entropy was ok, was the day your downward spiral began. When you stop expending energy to maintain your environment, you get to a point where occasional deviation from plan is negligible. It's a pity! It cumulatively incorporates into your modus operandi and it becomes a thorn in your flesh. You wriggle, wanting out. You go around hoping to break the cycle and reach for your life buoy which wasn't even within reach. 

Do not allow yourself occasional deviations if you are trying to reverse entropy.  You don't owe anyone an explanation unless they are directly involved in your equations. Stay put if you want. Stay strong if you want. Stay focused if you want and live like one day the law of cause and effect would bring around what went around. 

Till next time!

Wild? Nah

This is me talking about me. I don't want to do it but I am doing it.  Or not. 🙈

It's in the evening and It is a little chilly outside as opposed to the day temperatures which were quite fine. It was sunny and she was cooked up in doors playing house wife or maybe house maid. She had a long day and she had forgotten all about tonight. She was preoccupied with her own thoughts and all the deadlines she has to meet hopefully tonight when the text came in. 'It's going down tonight at 20:00'. She clasped her hands together, closed her eyes and zoned out. She didn't have a way out and she had given her word to be there but she was certainly going to be late. She is scared of the dark dark; But she went anyway.

 Everyone was having fun but not her kind. She is an introvert. But she is out here anyway . Not clueless but just bored. She won't dance because she doesn't and she has a very particular playlist. She won't mingle because she just doesn't mingle that well. So she found a quiet spot where she sat to observe everything and everyone. She felt at home had an awesome time alone in a crowd.

Fiction or nonfiction? Somebody knows.

That one is an unusual... See you soon.

When You Throw Caution To the WInd

It does not always add up. It does not always make sense but what to do? It's a game called life. You don't always get what you want. Sometimes you try hard for what you need . It is not fair. It was never fair and it will never be fair.  You stand for what you believe, fight for what is right and advocate for what is fair. You start where you are with what you have doing what you can. If you keep it up faithfully, you will surely do bigger and greater things. We all want to change the world, but the world is not necessarily the 6 billion people but it could be the world of one person, your class or your work place. Throw caution to the wind sometimes and go on a limb for what you really desire. What do you want most? What do you value most? What are you willing to sacrifice ? 

Lovies

What you actually mean when you say....

So i gave some thought to some of those crazy expressions we use to describe how we feel mostly, and i realized that if we were to expand or extrapolate on them, they would not do justice to what we really meant to bring across. They are just fancy, and normally emotional manipulation of the other or self.
I am guilty of this too, and maybe my list is longer than yours, i mean, it would be even better if it were shorter than yours. Just kidding. :) but serious!

1. I can't live without ..... ( fill in the blanks). Seriously?  Congratulations if you mentioned oxygen,  water, food and sleep. Imagine days without your element vs the mentioned. Just imagine! Do not try this at home.

I wanted to continue this list, but eish! The rest are too embarrassing. I need to find a better way to put them across. I am not about to flaunt my ignorance for you guys. I will gather more intel for later.

Lovies!

Just thinking out Loud again

They say, ' if you do not take yourself serious, no one will take you serious.'
They say, ' first impression counts,' but i digress, 'does it last?'  Constant motion, nothing's ever the same, things popping up one night and disappearing the next, choose ye today your attitude, and keep it constant (too bad temperament cannot be changed, it can only be adjusted). Don't allow inconsistency to be the consistent quality about you. Build yourself up, be yourself and dare to be different. You don't have to be just because everyone is.

Remember to smile even when you don't feel like it... :)

What do you represent?

So, this other day, my cousin sent me  Shania Twain 's ' i ain't no quitter'. He said he just missed me and was listening to some of my old crazy and favorite songs and missed all the fun we had, especially me trying to pull off some country moves to a country tune ( i still can't dance to save my skin). Coming across it again, it took me places. Happy places. Happy moments. I relived those awesome afternoons (sometimes evenings), right where i am now, just by listening to the song and looking at some really goofy pictures.
This then brings me to my point today. If people were to open their boxes of memories they have about you, what would they experience all over again? Would they smile? Would they laugh ? Would they cringe ? Would they have a panic or heart attack ? Would they wish you were around or they would be elated by your felt absence ? Did you know that what you represent as an individual has a long lasting impact on how you are remembered? You may not be as powerful  as that guy who gets what he wants at a snap of his fingers, but you are powerful all the same. You have the power to influence your micro cosmos. How you envision yourself,  will determine how you carry yourself.  Forget what everyone says you are. Prove them wrong. People should see you or hear you approach and smile.  Be weary of people saying ' oh, no! Not again. Please tell me it is not X, ' about you.
Decide to leave a day to remember,  a ride to remember, a walk to remember,  a moment to remember,  a song to remember,  a party to remember,  and anything else, as long as it is to remember.
Represent hope, love, joy, peace, happiness,  motivation, you  name it, the list is infinite.

Expectations

When expectations are high, disappointment weighs a ton. When there are no expectations, disappointment is negligible. But when you have no expectations whatsoever, the party concerned is hurt, and when you have expectations, the bar is too high to be met. I guess then the question comes: how do you weigh the expectations in a such a way that they don't tip the scale onto one side?
How do you expect much without exaggerating and expecting little or none without belittling?

 Just thinking out loud.

It's All About Love

Love out Loud

One day, when you decide to walk out of your comfort zone
and explore the common sphere,
you may surprise yourself and actually have fun.
'To be or not to be' is a force to be reckoned with, yet if you purpose yourself, you will actually get out there and just love out loud.
Laugh until your head hurts.
Scream until your voice is gone.
Just share the fun, the games, and everything in between until your feet sting like needles and your legs wobble under you unable to carry you.
It's a great feeling.
If you wouldn't appreciate human company once in a while, then i don't know what you would appreciate.
Love out Loud.

Till next time...

The difference

The difference is subtle. It is not loud, but it is the difference either way.
If you are not paying attention, you will miss the clues.
The difference may be a matter of life and death. It is the difference between making it or breaking it.
We say, what is the difference, but truly, BIG DIFFERENCE it is,

Just Random Thoughts

Amid the clamor and drama, lies the eureka.
Amongst briers, you might capture roses.
When the day is over, with sun rays sinking deeper into the horizon, you may watch the credits of your life roll by.
Within you, you will find all that you need to make it but you search for it else where and miss the moment.
once a wise man said:

Life is too busy and complicated. Everyone is closed and more silent and to themselves; too afraid to share, too scared to to be judged. They rather ignore than to care. They rather waste time than than to spare. 
Spare with another. Spare to have fun. Spare to be happy. Spare to be free.
They rather mourn their insecurities than celebrate their qualities.
                                                                                              
                                                                     -Stolen

Personally i am guilty. Are you?
I thought it was worth sharing.

Till next time....

Dear Me

Dear Me

Hi, i have always wanted to tell you exactly how i feel about you. I love you just the way you are, but you are capricious.  Too capricious it is scary. No one even knows what you could possibly do next. You are full of surprises.  I thought i knew you but now the important question is have we met yet ?
Despite your shenanigans, let no one convince you otherwise and think less of yourself. You are not perfect.  You will never be perfect but you can always work on your flaws to become a better human being. You are a human being and not a human doing. So it is important to remember that what you do does not carry equal weight as who you are. 
Remember to wash your mouth with jik, just so your speech is sanitized.
Remember to flaunt your ignorence when the ocean runs dry.
Remember to choose Wisely because, contrary to popular belief, God exists, and one day, you will have to explain all your little mischiefs to him.
Oh, and learn to love other human beings because that happens to be the missing ingredient in today's relations.  The word has lost meaning and it's substance has been displaced by sweet little nothings, just for lip service.
And by the way, take heed to advise with a pinch of salt and remember that not everyone has an agenda, and not everyone is genuinely happy for you. What would it cost you just to be  little cautious ?
Most importantly,  remember what Jesus said, ' he did not come to those who think they are righteous, but he came to those who know that they need a saviour.' I am reminding you of these words so you never come to a place where you think you are  taller than the highest mountain or larger than life. Remember that his grace carried you that far. You are not that special.  It's all about his grace and love.

Yours,
I.

Meet The PR officer aka My Mouth

Ever heard of,  ' i don't know who you are until you open your mouth?' Well i guess that is because your demeanor can be misleading, but your mouth...it will always beg to differ.
Now, this PR officer, can make you or break you, but cannot be fired. Ever...sad? I know.

Sometimes after a conversation, i replay it in my mind, then i bite my tongue. Yeah :).
 I think about the things i said, how i said them and why i said them. Sometimes, i feel embarrassed to face that person or people again after saying stupid things. And it's funny because i would say a very silent prayer before i face them " Lord, i hope they forgot what i said....".
Have you ever had a situation like that? I try to never wind up in them again.
You will be surprised at how we say things we do not mean, just to keep up appearance. It's cumbersome.

This is my own little personal list of things i worked on and still am working on when it comes to my mouth.

1. If it does not concern me in the least...it is none of my business, therefore, no discussion. Let's talk about the weather.

2. I will finish my own sentences. No filling in the blanks for me. I learned the hard way, that if you do not finish your sentences, people will finish them for you and then finish you. Never ever leave your sentences open ended.

3. I don't know the details? It's acceptable to say 'I don't Know'. It's easier than defending tall-tales.

4. I do not intend to do it or show up? ever? No beating around the bush. It's no... and i really mean no. It's yes... and i really mean yes. Maybe, or I will see, really, i may or i may not. Really, i will see. The maybe is reserved for certain things... i consult my lawyer first. I do really have one, but not just your typical kind.

5. If i want you to know, I will tell you. I don't want you to know, i will keep mum. Unless, i am supposed to tell you and it flies out the window, in that case, i will have to ask for your forgiveness.

6. If i am angry, i try as hard as i can not to say anything. I learnt the hard way! never to open your mouth when you are angry, especially if you are not very pleased with someone older than you or anyone for that matter. You will say things you never knew you could say because you never had the opportunity to say them, and also, it does not help the situation.

7. I don't express my opinion all the time, depending on circumstances, i will hope you figure it out yourself. Once bitten, twice shy, and if it's really not worth the trouble, why bother?

8. I prefer not to tell alternate versions of stories. And i don't care whatever else you do to me, please just don't lie to me. Deal breaker. And you ask, what if it it absolutely necessary? Well, don't say it swiftly.

9. If i can't repeat it in your face,what is the point of saying it behind your back?

10. As someone who believes in God, if i can't say it in the presence of God, then why say it in the presence of his creation?

One for the road:
I think your words are a reflection of the state of your mind, just as your eyes are a window to your soul.

If i do not hit the publish button now, i will be tempted to hit the save, then delete later....

but for once, i am just gonna lay it out there, without being abstract.

Till next time,
God Bless You.

How i spent my summer....

School sessions are over. You are on break. If you are in grade school, you try to have the best holidays of your life time. Each year has to be different because that essay has to rock ( i wonder who said that 'how i spent my summer' composition had to be nothing but the truth, even though a fantasy could be allowed). Well, you spend the summer doing what is defined as cool, so that your peers could see how cool you were or are.  Heaven forbid you don't even enjoy the activities but ' what would they think ' keeps you going.

If you are not in grade school, you're on the race to not care. You may have had a list of things you wished to do. You compiled this list during lectures and in between classes because maybe,  you were bored or shallow ambition overtook you.

Then summer comes. You sleep, plan, and sleep some more.  Worse, you sleep, and sleep some more. It's a pity.  Why don't you take time out and get to know yourself?  

Find out who you are and who you aren't.
Identify your strengths and weaknesses.
Identify things that contribute and those that don't contribute to your life.
Introduce things that add value to your life.
Spend time with those who matter.
Learn something new.
Feed your spirit. 
Nourish your soul and workout your body.

Don't ever look back at the end of a day, do a  'day - analysis' and find out that you have nothing to look back to and say ' that was a day to remember'. We have movies to remember,  songs to remember,  people to remember,  occasions to remember but do we really have days to remember?  

Someone once said : there are two great days in your life. The day you were born and the day you discover your purpose.

Personally, i pray every day to be the day i discover my purpose.  I believe i have what it takes and i believe i can do more.... but i have to discover it. What about you?

Live. Love.
See you soon and God bless you.

P.S. should you pen ' how i spent  my summer', i hope you smile and ask,  'where do i begin? '

Index case Part 2

.....you are your own index case and your own trendsetter. Beyond imagination, you make or break yourself with cheesy habits, or sad to say, even expensive ones.
In simple words, at what expense are you forfeiting the real you for what you are not ? What are you sacrificing, that is not worth sacrifing because you are actually supposed to sacrifice for it ? 
What motivates you ? What demoralises you ? What builds your momentum ? Oh, and funny thing about momentum is, it is hard to build and easy to lose. What you read, what you hear and whatever else you surround yourself with has an impact on your modus operandi, if and only if, you allow it. But sometimes, it's not really about you allowing it  or not, it is merely about you hearing it long enough.

My theory is if you hear it long enough, you will believe it.
What do you want to hear? Seek it out.
What do you what to see ? Paint it.
What do you want to be?  Work it out.
You could wish, but wishes are just that....wishes.

As your own index case, decide what you want and want you need.  Find the difference and count the cost.
Wondering why index case ?  Index case is also known as Patient zero. This is the  initial source of ' infection'. In this case, he is the source own ' anything you want or allow'.

See ya next time...
Take care

Index Case

Hello hi,
So, i was on the subway, trying to sleep ( yeah i know it is cheesy), but i could not. I just wound thinking about the nature of human beings. For some reason ( i guess it is because i am a human), i like to think about the probable reasons to which we can attribute the actions of a certain individual.  More often than not, we give too much credit to fate, or the devil or other humans for the consequences of our actions.
First of all, i want to explain something about life. Life is not a shangri la. Life may or may not afford the same opportunities to everyone.  Someone maybe given a lucrative head start,  or as some would call it a fair advantage. Another, may have to actually identify an opportunity no matter how small and others, well they just didn't have a fighting chance,  unless someone gave them a candle to light up their world.

Now, with that said, let us assume you have the potential to thrive sitting on your doorstep,  waiting for you to activate it. Let us assume you do not have  ' the universe conniving against you ' situation and you are in stellar shape. You will realize that you spend your waking hours right before you wake up. How ? You ask, especially given the fact that you just woke  up and you have not yet done anything for the day....
Well, the deal is,  you plan your day before you hitch a ride to dreamland, because, you go to bed with a definite time in mind  to awake the next day. You choose what you will do when you wake up ( unless someone plans your days for you ) and on cue, it all falls into place.
So here's what happens, you get through the day, simply carrying out your daily plans, which either involved doing something or doing nothing. At the end of it all, you reap the  consequences  of your actions and depending on how they weigh of the good/bad scale, you attribute the results to something or someone.  Bad: you are a victim. Good: you are a hero.

With that notion, i want you to ask yourself,  do you know that you tell yourself  the greatest lies? Do you know that you are reap exactly what you sow? Do you know that you are responsible for you and no one can make you do anything or be anything unless you allow yourself?  Do you know that you are the index case ? It all begins with you. Until you find you, you ought not to stop looking. It begins with you but it's not about you. You are a part of a great picture. You are your index case,  and ......

To be continued

God bless

Facade

Behind every line on your face, there is a story.  Is  it sad ? Does it have a happy ending or it is so painful that you would rather be numbed at the memory of it?

Does your stride tell us where you have been or where you aspire to go?

Does your speech reflect the very core of your soul, or is it simply tailored for your audience ?

Does your smile really mean you are having the time of your life or you are enduring this present sting ?

When you laugh, is it because you gotta laugh, or because you are obliged to?

Are you brave enough to face you or you so scared that you cannot even face your dog ?

Are you living your dream or is someone living their dream through you ?

Are you aware that behind your mask, there is a little boy, a little girl who would always look for approval, maybe in wrong places even ?

You know that i know you, yet i do not know you.

I talk to you but do we even communicate?

The social obscurity wedged so deep it cannot be regressed.

Your walls so high, your gates heavily fortified and your windows plastered so, such that getting to you, requires you meeting me at your gates to let me in.

Of course, i could break them down, but you are such a good architect that breaking them down would kill you.

I do not know if the stone you got from the quarry to use as the building block was your choice personally or the quarry-men just gave that to you because that was all that was available.

But whatever the case,  the stone is quite heavy and you constructed your walls such that no one could enter from from the outside.

You built a fort for yourself and you did a great job. No denying that.

Just a quick question though,  do you remember where exactly it all started ? Forgive me, but i got to ask,  do you remember when and how you set the first layer stone? Did you use mortar or old fashioned clay ? Maybe you even are adventurous and used nails and a drill, but of course, am just saying.

I do not know how you did not see that that, your walls cannot contain your screams.  you are yelling for help.

Somebody wants to rescue you, but we need the blueprints to formulate a strategy.  are there any compartments inside of your wall ?

 Can we protect you  as we make way to you or we gonna lose you when we demolish them ?

Can you get out or there is no way out ?

Is it me that you are lying to or yourself?

Is the bright sun so frightful you are reluctant to budge ?

Is the familiar too familiar that the very notion of advancement scares the daylight out of you ?

Are you going to continue to live with strife if you can exchange it all for happy life ?

Smile

Smile. Someone just needs to know you are doing alright and that is by you showing them your smile.
Someone needs to know you are strong when you smile even though you are in the darkest hour of your life.
Someone is drawing strength from you, so smile.  You may need a soft place to fall, but, even then, smile.
You never know, your smile may be the reason behind someone's smile.

SMILE.
Love God and be yourself.

Ciao....

Scared? Me too.

We run. We hide. We run faster and hide deeper.
We avoid the pain, knowing we gotta go through the pain to actually get better. We lose focus of the most important thing, majoring in minors. Indulging whims and fantasies at the expense of facing reality.
We fear the unknown because the present is comfortable. The status quo  not defied because norm dictates it. We like to play it safe... is it really safe or we are just hiding behind the illusion? A facade that is soon broken if the storm hits hard enough;
I run. I hide. I stop. I just stop.
What are you afraid of?
What are you running from?
What are you waiting for?

ciao

Take the Time

Have you ever wondered what you would notice if you just took the time?
Slow down. Speed is good but you get lost in it and you miss the song of birds. you will miss the rustle of leaves in the wind. you will miss the water splash and ripples as the wavelets gather on the surface.
You are rushing alright, it is good, but imagine you hopping on the wrong train because you rushed, without stopping to double check the signs; to confirm you are going in the right direction.
You need to slow down to hear God's silent whispers. Most of the time, we rush through our days, yelling at God and expect him to yell back at us. Just because we yell at each other does not mean we will yell at God and he back at us. Funny, come to think of it.
Sometimes when i have hectic weeks, i yell. I don't stop. I just run and yell, and then i expect God to yell back at me. Except you slow down and actually listen, you will miss the whispers of God.
I have to constantly remind myself to stop running. I need to constantly remind myself to stop and listen. I need to perpetually remind myself to live and not exist. It's easy to get lost in the moment  and exist instead of live.
Take time to hear the birds sing and not the scream of guitars and clang of cymbals.
Take time to hear the wind howl and not the buzz of your text messages.
Take time to just look out at the night sky, starry or not.
Take time to hear the whispers of God.
Take time to spend with people who matter. Do things that matter.
Carpe Diem.

If You do not want it.....

If you do not want to do it, do not do it.
If you are going to do it, do it well. You cannot toe on the mid line. There is no middle ground. you are either in or out and not half in or out.
If you do not like it, and you can change it, by all means change it. If you cannot change it and you do not like it, well, by all means, walk away if you can. If you cannot, put up with it.
If you are tired, take a break. if you cannot take a break...still take a break. You are no good to the world if you are all run down and malfunctioning as if that is your best.
If you want it, you get it. If you don't want it, don't go for it. It's not hard really. There is no gray area. It's all black and white. You either are making every effort to get it as much as you want it or you are wishing for it to somehow gravitate towards you, even in the absence of effort.
If you have no more tears to shed, it's OK. It means, there is nothing to cry over.
If you do not want it, say no.
If you want it, say yes.

Double Ache- from the Archives final

Ophelia felt humiliated. She felt used and dirty. She braced herself and took a cab home. Her mom was still in her study. She could tell from the light coming from the half-closed door. She quickly went into her room and put on her dressing gown. She then went to see her mother. Without looking at he daughter, her mother mumbled her replies. When she was out the door, Ophelia let out a sigh of relief. She went back to her room and picked up her telephone. She dialed Ellen’s number, who picked up on the third ring.

“Ellen, you were right about Tom,” she said slowly into the receiver. “He raped me.”

On the other end, Ellen was dumbfounded. She was rendered speechless and said, “Ophelia, you can count on me,” and with that, they dropped the call.

The next day, Ellen went to see Ophelia at her house. Her mother was watching an early soapie and quickly signaled for Ellen to go straight to Ophelia’s room.

“Pheely!” Ellen said as she entered Ophelia’s room.

She was on her bed, hunched, cupping her chin in her hands and her knees drawn up, staring at nothing. When she saw Ellen, she started crying. Ellen hugged her and let her cry as much as she wanted. After an hour, she told her the story.

“I feel used and betrayed Ellen. I feel bereft of my other self,” she said at the end of the story.

“Pheely, you have to tell someone…like your mother and… the police.”

“No, Ellen. Magnates are never prosecuted. It will be a waste of time. I have to go on as if nothing happened…as for mom, I will tell her in due time. Not now.”

“I will support you all the way, ok!” Ellen said to her. They hugged again. Ophelia then went to her bathroom and cleaned up. Clad in jeans and a t-shirt, she donned her feet with sneakers, her favorite, from her uncle.

“And now?” asked Ellen as she watched Pheely.

“You know what? Let’s go for a walk,” she said.

******************************************************************************

After hard work and sleepless nights, the girls graduated from high school. They went on to study veterinary medicine and became renowned veterinarians. They enjoyed their careers and had loads of fun travelling around the country and abroad. They enjoyed the gross details of their jobs of handling snakes and lions. At one instant, they had to handle an elephant.

A great thinker once said, the inward eye is the bliss of solitude. To Ophelia, it was not. She had a dark secret, darker than the word itself. Her mother did not know it. Only Ellen knew it and it haunted her. After her rape, she had fallen pregnant and she had had no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. She never told anyone except for Ellen who never breathed a word to a living soul. Ellen, after sometime, married a real gentleman.

Ophelia was in courtship with a man of noble character, of her own age. He loved her and she too loved him, but her secret was haunting her. She pondered it day and night and one day she decided to tell her mom. Her mother told her to keep going and never allow her past to destroy her future. After telling her mother, she still sought a way to tell Gregory, her fiancé to be.

 One afternoon amid such thoughts, her mobile phone rang. It was Gregory inviting her to dinner that evening. She said yes and prepared to go when the hour arrived. He picked her up from her place and took her to a Chinese restaurant.

“Pheely, a Chinese meal will do us good today,” he chuckled as they ordered.

Ophelia was in her own world but did her best to be good company. After the meal, they went to the beach and right there and then, Gregory produced ring box from one of his pockets and went on his knee.

“Ophelia Alison Mackenzie, will you marry me?”

Her heart flew into her mouth. She had to tell him then or never.

“On one condition, Gregory Smith,” she said as lightly as she could.

“Ok,” he replied. “Let’s hear it.”

“First, let’s go over to those rocks and sit down,” she said and they walked over to the rocks. Without looking at him, she started her tale.

“Greg, I have a secret that I have kept from you because I could not bring myself to tell it to you yet. But now, I have to let you know. I was raped when I was seventeen and in my final year in high school. I could not bring myself to tell my mom about it. All I wanted was to complete my studies and be what I dreamt of always. I did not want to have a child who would grow up without a father or to bear a child of rape. I knew that back then I could not provide for the baby and give it a lifestyle it deserved. So I went to hospital and had it terminated…but now, I am barren. I can no more have kids.”

Without a hint of self-pity or remorse, she finished her story. She felt greatly relieved of her burden. Silence prevailed around them and finally Gregory said to her in a cold tone.

“I won’t marry you anymore because you will just keep secrets from me. We have dated for three years but you never told me. You disgust me, Ophelia.”

Having said that, he walked to his car and drove away.

Ophelia did not beg him to forgive her. She did not scream or run. She just took a cab home, and then cried.

Seventeen years ago she had to take a cab home again after a man had let her down. That memory made her shudder as she reached for her telephone again to call Ellen.

“Ellen, my life was going on well with Greg. Tonight, he proposed and walked away from me when I told him everything. I thought life would go on but now I know life doesn’t always go on,” Ophelia said into the receiver.

“Pheely, life always goes on with or without us. Be positive, my friend. If he is not your soul mate, he will never come back to you but if he is, he will. Don’t fret, my dear. Continue living,” Ellen replied from the other end.

“You know what? I am leaving the country tomorrow. I will call you when I settle down. I love you and I will never forget you,” Ophelia said matter-of-factly.

“Please take care of yourself. You deserve a break from this jinx,” Ellen said to her.

When she hung up, Ophelia spent the rest of the night packing a few articles to take with her. In the early morning, she booked a plane ticket for an afternoon flight to Australia. She went to work, requested emergency leave and went back home. She went into the house and called a cab. The cab came and she loaded her bags into the boot. She had forgotten her ticket so she dashed back into the house.

Upon return, she saw Gregory’s car parked next to the cab and he was talking to the cab driver. When he looked up, he saw Ophelia and met her half way.

“Where on earth are you going?” he asked her.

“I am going abroad. I have to get a new breath of air,” she replied brushing him aside to continue on her way back to the cab.

Gregory just held her and without saying anything, he took her ticket and reduced it to pieces.

“What the heck did you do? Well then, mister, I have a flight to catch and a new ticket to procure. Let me go,” she said.

“You are going nowhere. You are staying right here with me,” he said to her. “Sir, could you please bring those bags in the boot?” he asked the cab driver. The cab driver obediently unloaded the luggage and brought it to the house. Gregory settled the fair and tipped him generously, and the cab left. He then started kissing Ophelia and said to her with absolute sincerity: “Ophelia, I love you so much and I can’t let you go. You are a rare breed and a special woman. I am sorry for what I did to you yester night. I love you not for what you are but for who you are.”

 “I thought I disgust you,” she retorted.                            

“You don’t. So, please, will you marry me?” he asked.

“Of course I will,” she replied and bit his ear.

They carried her bags back into the house.

“And Pheely, about the kids, we can adopt,” Gregory said as he took her into his arms and hugged her.

 Smiling, Ophelia said, “I have a phone call to make. May I please make one?”

Double Ache.... From the archives

I am a secret hopeful. A secret dreamer, hoping for a world where acceptance for who you are and not what you are would be the reason behind a happy ending. Please, come with me as we follow the journey of one Ophelia. Moral of the story is: there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Life goes on with or without you and your mistakes cannot dictate the state of your happiness. Work past them or through them and continue living.

Part 1

Double Ache

“Ophelia, there is something sinister about that pal of yours,” Ellen said to Ophelia, her close friend. She, Ophelia, was dating a man, ten years her senior. She was only seventeen and doing her matric at a very prestigious school. Ellen, her friend, was also in the same grade as her.

“Don’t be silly, girlfriend. Tom may be older than me but he is a gentleman. He respects me; besides, he loves me,” she said to dismiss Ellen’s insinuation.

“OK, but he is way too old and has been in the game longer than you,” Ellen finished her pep talk with Ophelia wearily.

One afternoon, Ellen and Ophelia were walking home from school when Ophelia’s mobile phone rang. It was Tom who had called her. After five minutes, she said to Ellen, “Say, Ellen, could you please cover up for me today? Tom wants to take me somewhere for fun.”

“Again? What if your mom gets suspicious? What if she comes over to our house to see if you are really there? What about the test?” Ellen asked.

“Today is Friday, remember. So mom will be enjoying her weekend with her books and T.V. The test can wait. You darn aware of the fact that I can score sixty percent without even trying,” Ophelia replied.

She was going to go away with Tom for the night and had told Ellen to tell her mom she was with her, if she called to check on the plausibility of her daughter’s words. It was a game she played. She would tell her mother that she was going over to Ellen’s but instead, she was going out with Tom.

That evening she dressed up and went out. Tom was waiting for her at the street corner in his Chrysler. He was handsome and looked young for his age. He had a condo in the plushy suburbs of Park Avenue and owned banks and a shipping company, thanks to his late father and fore-fathers. He drove away to his condo, with Ophelia next to him.

“So, Tom, where are you taking me today?” Ophelia asked as they drove on.

“It is a surprise, sweetheart…you are gonna love it,” he said to her.

When they got to the palatial condo, Tom told her to make herself comfortable and feel at home. They listened to music, watched movies and had takeaways for dinner. Ophelia wondered about the surprise. “What could it be?” she kept asking herself.

Suddenly Tom’s countenance changed. He looked like a desperate animal and asked Ophelia to follow him to his bedroom for her surprise. Gleefully, she followed hoping to be presented with jewellery fit for a queen like they do in movies. Without hesitation, upon entering the room, Tom fondled Ophelia and kissed her vigorously. She resisted but his grip was too strong for her.

“What are you doing?” she asked him between kisses.

“What do you think? It is payback time of course!” he roared at her.

Maybe You Can Do?

Have you ever wondered about what you really can do and what you really can't do?
 It is amazing how we write-off our abilities without evening trying.
 It is amazing how we abort our ideas before they are even conceived.
 It is amazing how we manipulate ourselves into mediocrity thinking that it is our best shot.
 It is amazing how we have forgotten how to spell responsibility... but we can spell 'SCAPEGOAT' without hesitation.
 It is amazing how we desire so many things, wish for so many things but never take a step to get closer to our aspirations. Thinking about it really, it is no longer amazing, but annoying.
 It is a self-defeating practice to throw caution to the wind and live like actions have no consequences and repercussions.
It is crippling to emotionally confine yourself in a cage; a cage too small that you can't even stretch your legs, much less fly. It is debilitating to play victim when you have 2 choices right in front of you:
1. you may act
2.  you may not act.
As a believer, i have come to understand that when you are afraid, your faith is deactivated. Fear is simply the absence of faith. So often than not, we walk in fear. fear of failure, fear of succeeding, fear of people's reactions to our choices and actions, fear of surprising ourselves (in a good way). Fear of this and fear of that.
 All things considered, man- up, grow-up and work it out. You cannot fake it until you make it. You are not a phony. You work at it until you make it. You keep at it even when you fail. You do not throw in the towel after failing once. New things are always associated with trial and error. As long as you are not breaching contracts, defying agreements, stepping on people's heads to get where you want, and as long as you sleep well at night after having done what you did (provided you are not ethically blind), way to go pal.
You can do it. Just try it.

Keep the faith. Share the love, and God bless you.

Random thoughts

This one is short and very very random.

As a christian, i have come to understand that the greatest pain you go through is the self-afflicted pain through crude disobedience and not necessarily satanic attacks. It's not easy to swim against the current, but when you end up in the middle of now-where, regret becomes your solace, after having drifted too far.
However, we are always presented with two choices, hence two pains.
1.The pain of self-discipline. short-lived and most excruciating.
2.The pain of failure to fulfill responsibility. It can be in any area. This one is a cutting kind of pain.
I am one of those stubborn people who rationalize irrationality because it is convenient and  just painless until the moment when the blunt truth catches up with you?
What do you want? What do you need? What choices do you have? What will be your choice? Do you want to grow or stagnate?
Answering these questions, will definitely surprise you. I am in the processing of answering mine. You may begin to answer yours too.

P.S. If you cannot answer these questions for your sake, try to work on them, for the sake of those that are watching you. For those that look up to you. Those that see you as a role model, even though you do not know them. For their sake.
Sometimes we forget the source. Someone wrote: 'Victory begins with the name of Jesus on your lips; but it will not be consummated until the nature of Jesus is in your heart.'
 Everything considered, i got to understand that if i had the ability to become a better person on my own, i could have been a better person by now. But i now know that I cannot not, except i go to the cross. Let us allow Jesus to transform us into his likeness.

Stay blessed.

Lord by myself

I am short of words. I attended a Powerful youth camp a few days ago and as a result, this peace transpired. I don't know what to say further than to share the 'synopsis' of the piece i shared

Here goes:

 Lord by myself i said i would change

 By myself i made a vow to you to change my ways and bear fruits.

By myself i thought i would glorify your name and serve you like my life depended on it.

Lord by myself i cannot qualify to even stand at your pearl gates.

By myself i cannot hear what you have for me.

By myself i have searched the world over for the one thing or person, that is big enough to fill the gaping hole in  my soul.

By myself i have lingered in limbo, unable to make decisions that really matter.

By myself, i cannot impact my world.

By myself, i tried to bear fruit and i failed.

Newsflash

The preacher man told me about the man who walked the earth 2000 years ago.

He came because God so loved me.

He came because God had created man in order to fellowship with him....constantly.

This man said he is the vine and his father the gardener.

My soul found the treasure that i had sought after for so long in this man.

I gave him 30% of my life.

I felt like i had arrived.....until i ran out of fuel.

What did i do?

God: lean not on your own your own understanding.

Me: God, i am sure you will understand.

With that, what i implied was, can do it all by myself.

What i implied was, he may bless me, but please, may i lavish my blessings on me!

What i implied was you may keep evil from me, but please,  this is kinda personal. It hurts, but i am now used to it. I can handle it, all by myself.

That was when i gave you 70%.

I said to me, i have surrendered all to you, but there was a tiny hiatus that could not be filled. 

I felt the humongous vacuum,  looming in the shadows, following me every where.

One day, i threw caution to the wind.

Jesus said : come to me ye who are heavy laden and i will give you rest. Take up my yoke, for it is lighter.

Jesus said : if you remain in me, i will remain in you.

Paul said: i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

David said : lean not on your own understanding.

Solomon said : commit all your ways to the Lord and you will be successful.

I said to God: i surrender all. all to thee, i surrender all.

My academics,  i surrender.

My heart, i surrender

 My finances,  i surrender.

 All my birds and bees, i surrender.

Today, Understanding who i am in Christ, i live with abandon.

Every day with a new learning.

Trusting in God the father for love and vision.

Trusting in God the son, for the grace to endure.

Trusting in God the holy spirit,  for day to day communion with my maker.

 by myself, i could not run the race.

But with God, i can do all things, because he strengthens me each day. 

For as long as i keep a conscious understanding of my limits and daily surrender, i know, i will bear the fruits that i have been called to bear.

do your good works and Let your light shine, so men can praise your father in heaven.

Share the love.

Bear fruits that will remain.

Happy New Year

Well, Happy new year. I am not ready for part two yet, but when i am, i shall share it with you. So, it is a new year. We all love new year. We have so many hopes and dreams for the new year. We sometimes forget it is a new year and the old (same) you. But that should never the the jinx to your joy. What ever it is that you want to see this year, you simply take it to the Father in prayer. Some one once said, You do what you ought to do, you pray and then you wait.
With that, i would like to share a piece i have written some time last year. I believe it is relevant even for the beginning of this new year because, we make new year resolutions and promises to God and to ourselves. I strongly believe that in this era, it is one in which we ought to walk the walk, talk the talk and connect our spirits to God. After all, it is important to draw closer to God. It is important to run the race that has been set before you. It is important to fight the good fight of faith even in this year. "Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:12.

This year, i pray we pray like never before. I pray we worship like our lives depend on our worship to the father. I pray we study the word like we never opened that holy book before. I pray we serve like we will get no other opportunity to serve again. I pray we will love God without reservations. I pray we will love our neighbors like ourselves.

I pray that despite broken bones, we would still dance and praise like crazy. 

I pray we will understand that God is our primary focus and nothing else matters. I pray we will come to know the God who is and not the God we make him out to be. I pray that we will be transformed into the very likeness of Christ Jesus. "So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." 2 Corinthians 3:18.

"May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:19.

Here is the piece.

When Darkness Falls

When darkness falls, stillness resides.

Silence awakens when the voices simmer.

It is great when it all quietens down on the outside but the voices in your head scream louder.

The things you could have said ricochet back to you as though they were tangible. Those that you shouldn't have said shoot right back at you like a fiery dart.

When darkness falls, you tell yourself you would spend the next daylight differently. You make plans to redeem the next minutes of your life with productivity and not just frivolity. There is however a profound force of resistance.

When darkness falls, you reckon it all and promise yourself a better tomorrow.

Then day breaks.

The silence breaks. The stillness of the darkness erupts into a million voices which all vie for importance. How do you listen for the quietest because it is the most important? How do you filter out the noise without dubbing the words?

Love like Jesus Loves, and Stay blessed. 

Ems